Hollywood...la la la la Hollywood

I had all my pubes removed by a woman with hot glue. The things i do for beauty. And she made me keep my knickers on. The shame.

Dating

SO i had sex with the most unsuitable man last week. Totally regret it but thats what happens when i feel crap about myself. Lighting man finally told me he wasn't interested which made me cry and i went on a date this evening with a man who was pleasant but not me. At all. Sigh.

Getting pretty sick of this shit now.

I wish..,Charlies wish list for the future

People wouldn't watch football and take it so seriously.
People with relationship problems stop trying to give you advice.
People would stop rubbing their great lives in your face.
People would be straight with me about what they want or how they feel.
Sean and I can spend some quality time together instead of sharing it with everyone else.
More friends.
To cheer up and become happy with myself.
Carry on losing weight.
Sort this room out to something livable.
Start learning to play the drums again.
Go on holiday.
Read more books...well any books :D
Find a hobby outside of this place.
Learn to say no. I'm not a door mat so stop acting like one.
Try and not get so hurt when my friends let me down. Ignore any promises they make and be pleasantly surprised on the off chance they come through. Even if it's just a coffee meet.

I'm sure il be adding to this later

Stupid brain

So as a quick update i quit my job and i'm now living in the pub and working here full time. Not ideal as last night Sean decided to go to sleep and i was woken up (i had fallen asleep on the sofa) to go and lock and alarm the pub. I will not be impressed if this is something thats going to happen a lot. Most of the staff are getting on my tits as they are useless, they even left the tills out the other night and gave £80 to some bloke asking for change...but he had no money to give them. I mean what the fuck is wrong with these people? I wasn't blamed as i had predicted which was nice but come on! This is pub work, not rocket science. Where the hell are they finding these people, becase it sure as hell isn't the MENSA group.

To more disturbing things i was on a date last night that started off very well. We met, his best mate and a mate of mine Alex, who i met the chap through, turned up as he didnt realise there was a party happening at the same place. After a giggle it was fine and we barely saw each other the rest of the night. This guy, i shall call him Mr lighting...because thats his job, was lovely. Totally my type in every way imaginable, i thought we got on like a house on fire. However at 11pm when i said, what do you want to do next he made an excuse that he had to go home. Now he is self employed so i didnt mind, shows he is responsible, right? So we walk to the taxi rank and i turned to do the whole hug and a kiss thing, i thought he was into me, but he seemed that he couldn't get away fast enough. So i said something like can i have a kiss, went for it and he made me kiss his cheek. A few people said he was being a gentleman, i suppose that could be right but then he launched himself into the taxi behind me. Feeling bemsed i text him to again thank him for a great evening. He apologised for cutting the night short, which as i said was fair enough and made a joke about the work he has to do (he's doing the lighting for Amy Whinehouse but as everyone knows she barely turns up to her shows anyway) I make a joke about it and ask if i can see him again...and i wait and wait and wait and then cry hysterically. I have convinced myself he really didn't like me and he was being polite.

Finally a reply comes through and he says "Sure, don't know when though. Trying to do some work but family guy is on". Sure, don't know when though doesn't scream yes i thought you were lovely i would love to see you again. Hence more tears and the consumption of 4 mugs of hot chocolate and an hour and a halfs worth of Southpark. Then the locking up incident.

So now ive been hanging around the flat all morning feeling sorry for myself and trying to get into the mood with going out with Seans girlfriend tonight. I don't want to go because il have to rake over the same thing again and she will be all sensible and give me advice and to be honest i don't want advice from anyone. I just want to watch a few films in my room and ignore the world for a day.

Just to top it all off i have another guy interested in me but he's a bit of a sleaze and im pretty sure he is only in it for the sex. Yet as i feel so fucking low about myself i'm worried i might go there. I just really hope Mr Lighting comes through, to quote scrubs i feel so lonely i stare at the ceiling just wishing i had someone to talk to. Everyone i know bar a few, but they're happy, has someone. I'm going back to those thoughts from a few months ago wondering what the fuck is so wrong with me that i can't be with someone. Whoever said dating was fun is a fucking liar.