Its sad but its made me happy

To counteract the rejection from this afternoon and last night i went stalking my ex's myspace and it turns out the skinny little fucktard he was also cheating on me with dumped him. We are talking a while ago but it made me feel better. See this is what happens when i feel low and have no self confidence, i dwell on the past. I shouldn't still hate him, i should pity him, i shouldn't even think about him, but he was the last bf i had, he cheated on me with at least three people and then told his friends it was because i was fat and shit in bed.

Sigh. Everyone has told me to just get over it but i am pretty sure i would have met someone new by now and i wouldn't have such low self confidence. It makes me so mad that he still has such an influence over me.

Sigh.

Things i want to do.

I need to sort my life out so here is a list of things i would like to achieve.

1. Loose weight, yes everyone says it but ive been inspired. Im sick of feeling like a blob so im going to do something about it. I might get a rather unflattering photo of me and wack it on the fridge. Stop me from eating pie.

2. Sort out my relationship with Sean. Its in tatter because im an emotional twat. So i want it to be the same as it was...well without the secret sex and the cuddles in bed and the other lovely things i miss about him and being with someone in general. Man i miss being with someone...

3. Find a bloke. Nuff said, il be picky this time though. No more as holes

4. Make more friends, i want people to go on holiday with and share good times. Im a bit miserable at the lack of friends i have at the moment.

I think that will do to start if im honest. But im sure il add to it asi go on. Wish me luck!

oh yeah

Mole dumped me. Cunt. Mad face.

Im bleeding

I hope ive not had a miscarriage or something...though i don't have periods, would explain the mood swings...shit.

Coming up millhouse...for most

Well Maz has a bf, Pip has the guy i like (but he doesnt like me) and i have...well technically i have a 30 year old rocker with an unhealthy addiction to Warcraft and not sleeping with me. So im ignoring him. Well ignoring implies hes trying to talk to me, which he isnt.

So im back to square one. miserablethat my mates have wonderful love lives (bar Sean hes still a loser like me but hes the kind of guy to keep cards close to his chest, it wouldnt suprise me if he was seeing someone right now) and im sat all miserable and hung over...again.

However the guy i like and i managed to break the back door last night so i have to pay for that as he hasnt returned my calls. My tummy and ips hurt from excess beer.

Meh to the world i tell thee.

Oh and there is a ghost following me in the pub. I swear. It was just at the bar. Maz and i have named her hallway monster...she lurks in the hallway you see :)

This socail work lark is tricky

So the student adviser iv come to see gives me no advice, but has told me im pretty much going about this the right way and the chances are i will get on the course which is good. He gives me the number of the king of SW and i call him. He isnt in, suprise suprise. So ive left him a message and now i wait. I could always go and see if he is in his office but im not sure if that is considered rude or not. Id send him an email but mr advice's handwriting is leavinga lot to be disired. Chicken scratch doesnt even cover it. So im not sure what to do now. I could hang around here and wait for him to call or i can go back to the pub and wait for him to call.

Im pretty sure Sean is enjoying me not being there at the moment, i got a nice cuddle this morning though...damnit.

Breaking news

Heath Ledger is dead from a drugs overdose. Very sad but this is a warning to all those kids out there. DONT DO DRUGS YOU FUCKTARDS.

Yuck

I have currently spent the last 2 days coughing up infection. Nice. I had to work in the pub last night which was agony and i have had to miss yet more placement. Sigh. Need to remember to book an appointment with the careers advisers tomorrow to ask about Social work, im going to spend the afternoon researching it. Hopefully this will be the first step to something more positive!

Feeling generally shitty

I have a virus which is nice, a bloke that really isnt that into me, mates who are really taking the piss out of me and im at stalemate reguardevu my life in general. Mummy wants me to be a farrier. I dont think so.

Not sure what to do at the moment, i hate feeling so wank. Just wish i was appriciated. Even just a little bit :(

A general round up of my life

Not much to report, still confused about moley moley mole. Waxed off my pubes, mmmm i love the feelign of a smooth front bottom. Feelign more positive about the nursing thing, decided i wnt to go into Health and Socail care, just perhaps not in a nursing way. I love talking to teenagers and parents with young kids. Id be a health visitor but id have to work two years as a nurse...not such a huge sacrifice if i want it though...

I wish i had more to report on to be honest but i dont. Im sort of wondering around feeling a bit better so im happy with that. Just need to stop annoying people with my horrendous mood swings!

Much love!

Hmm confuzzled to say the least

So man trouble again...yeah i should change the record! So went out with Mole Saturday night with him and a few of his friends. Had an awesome night, the best in ages. I had almost forgotten what its like to get dressed up and go out on an evening. Sunday was lovely, we had roast dinner, watched some tv snuggled up. Drving back from Gloucester after dropping his mate off he starts talking about what he's going to have to do if he has to quit his job. I was under the impression that he would just find a new job and carry on as normal. Yet he starts going on about moving back in with his parents and selling his car, or better yet moving to Leeds.

I am very quiet and confused at this point. I seem to be trying to start a relationship with someone who has no idea what the hell they are going to do with themselves and may not even be here in a few months. I just cant be with someone at the start of a relationship whos 30 and living with their mother. Shallow? Probabaly. But i dont need the added stress.

Now dont get me wrong. I REALLY like this guy. But so far i seem to have only met him once sober and when questioned on how much he liked me i was told to "wait and see". What the hell does that mean? Surely he knows right now how he feels about me?

So to save myself from sanity i have decided to carry on dating. Im not tied to him and he seems reluctant to want to expand on "i'm really quite taken by you" (me) "i'm quite partial to you too" (him). Partial? I'm not apple crumble or a cup of tea! Im pretty sure im just finding things to complain about but i would love to know if this is actually going anywhere. In his defence hes going through a pretty awful time with work and his boss...but then perhaps he shouldnt have taken me out in the first place :S

Sigh, its all going down the pan.

So ive convinced myself that i don't want to be a nurse anymore and filled my head with ideas that il go and work with animals like i always wanted to. Im slowly coming to the realisation that that is most probably not going to happen. The jobs are too sparse and the money is too low, not that only think about money but i have bills to pay as everyone does and i don't have a loving husband to support me. So this means i will probably have to reside myself to office work. Meh. This is all been decided in two days which is pretty reckless even for me. I haven't quit anything yet though, i'm not that silly.

I was hoping to have a lot more support from friends but so far i haven't had much. In fact i've been made to feel like i'm silly and just complaining, which isn't true at all. I am genuinely unhappy and a bit of help and a few ideas wouldn't go amiss, i'm not asking for much am i? I just want to be happy, and nursing doesn't make me happy but i'm being made to feel like i am a bad person for wanting more for myself. Nothing has turned out the way i wanted, ive not got all the friends i wanted , the social life, the job satisfaction. It's all just gone horribly wrong.

So far the plan is that i will carry on till the summer. Then who knows. I would love to bugger off back to PGL but i have debts to pay and stuff to store...though most of it i'm sure i could throw away...It would be very tempting to run away to Scotland to see Ady and Rich. Somewhere i felt accepted. Though maybe i'm looking at that with rose tinted glasses too.

It would be amazing to have a button to hit at times like these that tells you exactly what you want and what you should do! Maybe il invent that!

I would really love anyone reading this to jot down a few words of wisdom here, what do you think i should do?

Thanks

Sad Charlie

Date two, the sequal.

So Mole picked me up, we went to his, we watched to films, had a snuggle on the sofa, had a kiss in the car. He told me he lost the condom on friday night and did i think it was still in me. Romantic. As far as i know it isnt but then i havent got a torch and mirrir at hand :p

Sean has stock take tomorrow. I really really hope he will be ok :S

Peace out blog stalkers.

Im home again.

Sort of. New years was ok, nothing special. Worked at the pub. Been working really hard this last few days so im pretty tired. Paid my housemates back for all the bills and shit i owe with interest. Everyone is happy.


So to the actual news. I went on a date with that guy Mole i mentioned a few weeks ago. Managed to get up the courage to get his number and we went out the next day. I was abit nervous so i had a few drinks before i left to meet him. I dressed up all nice...he didnt mention it. Strike one. I bought the first lot of drinks, and the the third, and fourth.Im a modern lady, i dont mind...i think. Anyway he was very sweet the whole night and we bumped into some of his friends later on and went back to his for a drink and a board game. I then fell off my chair because i was drunk., I then comitted the worst sin, put out on a first date. Whats wrong with me! Sigh. I was pretty sure i had fucked it up but it turns out i havent and im seeing him this evening. Which is good. But no sex till i know hes into me. I dont want anyone thinking im easy.

So thats the long and short of it atm. Ive managed to leave my make up and my tooth brush at seans so im going to have to cobble something togehter!


Charlie skank.