The curious case of the pheasant in the flat...

The Jolly Blogger gave Ben and i a brace of dead pheasants last Saturday at a birthday party which was brilliant, i love pheasant. I had had some from him before and they were beautiful and the stew i made went down a treat. We also had a friend to stay that particular weekend who enjoyed a drink and coming home that night we were all a little drunk and very merry. As we came into the flat, dead pheasants in hand the friend demanded we hung them up. Now the usual hanging time for a brace of pheasant is around a week. More if you like the meat gamey. I don't like it gamey at all and was happy to butcher the damn things the next day but our friend was having none of it.

The next 15 minutes still remains a mystery to Ben but i recall very clearly he and the friend running into each room with a pair of dead birds on a bit of string trying to hang them up. Bathroom, Bens room, my room until the boys found our cupboard. It's not quite a airing cupboard due to the lack of a boiler but it does have the pipes connected to the central heating in there. It makes that small, enclosed space very hot and humid. I forgot to mention that our friend is a nancy boy.

All weekend he had us put the heating on as high as possible (which means Ben and i's central heating game where we were going to try and leave the heating off till January is ruined might i add) because he was chilly. The man lives Scotland for christs sake!

I digress.

Fastforward to the following Friday night, i had had a few two many beers with friends and stumbled home. As i walked into the flat i remember thinking that something smelled not right but i thought no more about it until Saturday morning. I woke up and opened the door to the most almighty stench. I assumed Ben had done a rather offensive poo that morning before work but as i walked into the bathroom the smell disappeared. I walked out, gingerly opened the cupboard door and retched. The smell hit me like thrown bowling ball. That coupled with my mighty hangover did not set me up in the best of moods.

Assuming this is what pheasant smelled like when kept indoors rather than out (we always hung ours by the back door outside) i went ahead and started to pluck and butcher the birds with a bucket to one side for the retching. I felt less and less confident as the meat seemed spoilt but i ploughed on until i boxed up and stored the meat in the freezer and put the carcass in the bin down stairs, subsequently locking myself out of the flat in my PJ shorts and PGL hoody. Not pretty.

Today is Tuesday and every time that freezer door has opened week i can smell the meat. It's hard to describe the smell but i think baby poo and hangover farts is probably best. I gave in and threw the breasts away which broke my heart, i had managed to ruin nice, free meat. Still, this is not the end of the story.

I discovered i needed toilet paper earlier on this evening, opened the cupboard and the smell was still there, i scanned the area and realised there was blood and "something else" all down the wall, on those hot metal pipes mentioned before, and in the carpet. That explains why the smell was particularity pungent.

I think we have all learnt something from this.

Don't store dead animals in an enclosed, hot space
Don't let drunk friends hang birds
Don't forget you have dead birds in your hot, enclosed space
Don't butcher animals hungover
If it smells bad, it is bad
Don't ruin perfectly good food with your idiocy.

End.

Hurmpf

Back hurts
House is a shit hole
Tired
Xmas is nearly here which means more expense

I shouldn't complain really, there is loads of sweet stuff coming up soon like a trip to Devon to hail our Pixie Queen, the collaboration birthday, our Christmas party etc.

Chocolate and friends make it alllllll better.

Yeah and she cooks...Basic Chicken Pie!

So you are a man. You have met a woman and you've been for a few dates. You are skint so what do you do? Invite her to yours for dinner of course...but wait, you can't cook?! No fear, in an attempt to keep everyones interest i will now be adding recipes to the blog. "Horray!" you say, "you've ensured me getting laid forever!"

So Chicken pie, Charlie Style. Scroll to the bottom for short list of ingredients.

First off you need pastry, i forgot to take pictures for pastry and pastry is a pain to learn how to do well so if i were you just buy short crust from your local supermarket unless you have time to do some practice.

Second the filling.




Obviously it's chicken pie so you need chicken, this can be picked up for less then the cost of 2 pints at Tescos. The middle class part of me hates buying cheap chicken but the hungry carnivore manages to ignore it. Apart from that go mad! You can add any sort of veg you want, i made a stew last night so i had a carrot, half a leek, one mushroom and an onion. Also instead of making my own bechamel sauce i used a can of mushroom soup. I also always use garlic. I use it in everything! I used a large clove for the pie as i could see this was going to be a large filling.

In a large sauce pan heat some oil or some butter on a med heat and chop and add your onions.


The trick is to have the onions soft not brown, make sure you stir them occasionally then add your garlic. I use a garlic crusher, chuck it on top of the onions and stir in, don't let it burn because it tastes bitter and vile.



Next your chicken, cut it into largish chunks, and then pop it in with the onions. Give it a stir. It's very important you clean up your chopping board and knife after this else you may give you and your friends/date/mother a horrific case of the runs. Hot soapy water kids, nothing puts you off sex then being sat on the toilet.









Once your chicken is sealed (that means it's mostly white all over) you add your veg. Chop up the Carrots, Mushroom and Leek (Or whatever you have decided) and chuck it in. It doesn't need to be perfect you won't see it.







Next add your can of soup, mushroom or chicken is best. You can make a gravy sauce too which consists of mixing up some thick Bisto and pouring that in instead. Turn the heat down and let it simmer. Season with some pepper and a pinch of salt (the soup has enough in it really) and some herbs. I threw in Basil but read the packets and they will tell you what's best.




Next get your pastry. The trick with pastry is to have it cold and not to handle it any more then you have to. Put some flour onto a chopping board (or onto the work surface but the chopping board is easier to clean) and put on the pastry. Take a rolling pin, put some flour on that too and roll it out. I usually have pasty on the base and on the top of the pie but i didn't make quite enough for the size of the pie dish.






You're filling should be looking and smelling delicious by now, if it isn't order that pizza.


Find a dish and pour in the filling, marvel your handiwork and turn to the pastry. I find rolling the pastry onto the rolling pin, and rolling it back onto the pie is the easiest way but alas some of the pastry got stuck to the chopping board and i now have a gaping hole! Cut around the pastry and gather the excess.





With some creativity and panic you can solve the hole problem with the left over pastry. I tried some "crazy paving pastry", my food, as you will learn, is never well presented but tastes great (big head)so unless your date is John Michelle Juniors daughter it doesn't matter how looks as long as it actually looks like a pie.




Make some holes in the top and put in an oven you have preheated to about 200 degrees for around half an hour. In this time you can make mash potatoes and boil some nice green beans to go with it...or chips. Chips are great.

And there you have it. One pie! Enjoy!

Ingredients at a glance

One package of short crust pastry or make yyour own if you like
X2 Chicken Breasts or left over chicken from a roast
X1 Can of Mushroom or Chicken Soup
X1 Onion
X1 Garlic clove, crushed or finely chopped
X1 Carrot
X.5 Leek Remember this is what i had lying around you can use anything you like
X1 Mushroom
Salt and Pepper
Pinch of Basil

Prep time 20 mins
Cooking time 30 mins